BRIAN DOES A POOP STORY THAT'S REALLY ABOUT LOVE

YEAH, I MEAN POOP

So I went back to Little Rock with Katie for the holidays (oh yeah, Merry Christmas you filthy goyim animals). Everyone here has a dog. Katie’s friend, Myriah, has an adorable ADHD boxer named River. Katie’s paternal grandma has a little scruffy pup named Charlie Brown. I played with them so hard that they both pooped in the house — as in, their respective houses, on separate occasions, through the sheer force of my infectious joy. So yeah, if your dog’s backed up, I’m your guy.

THE CLIMAX

In Little Rock, Katie and I stayed at Gangie’s, her maternal grandma’s house. The en suite off the room in which we slept includes a shower with excellent water pressure and a malfunctioning toilet. I pointed this out the first day here. I said to Katie, “Look, this here toilet doesn’t work, ‘mkay?” That’s something people say here. As in, “How far is Myriah’s house?” to which your invariable response should be, “Twenty minutes, ‘mkay?”

Anyway, prior to my shower last evening, I felt the ‘ole tummy grumble. The thing is, I forgot about the toilet, its unfunctioning state, its lack of water in the bowl. So I used the toilet. I heard the splat of fetid derivative energy against cold, dry porcelain. I was distraught.

You can’t make this shit up.

Wrapped in nothing but a towel, I raced back and forth along the hall, hauling trash bags and cleaning supplies. Gangie must’ve wondered whether I’d gone insane. Alas, I was a man with an unwanted mission — but I completed it, and in doing so, I think something great happened: Gangie being of the ancient land of Bohemia, I think I earned my way into her heart.

THE MESSAGE

You see, Gangie is getting older, as grandmas do. But what’s especially difficult for her is the fact that, with her husband gone and her family busy with their lives, she’s largely alone, and it hurts me — it hurts us. But we’re determined. I think my poopscapade proved to her that I’m not the kind of person to let shit lie unattended. That we’re going to be there for her, no matter what.

So happy holidays everyone — especially to you, Gangie!