Brian Does a Birthday Post

On September 15th, 2008, the Lehman Brothers’ collapse signaled the beginning of a protracted recession. In 1935, the Nazis passed the Nuremburg Laws, relegating German Jews to that of sub-citizen. In 1776, General William Howe of the dreaded redcoats captured New York, setting a bad precedent for the Revolutionary War. We’ll see what disasters occur this September 15th, as the amortization of my Faustian bargain continues to wreak ruin throughout space and time. (I traded world peace for mad FIFA skillz.)

Mazel Tov!

Funny story that I’d like your mind’s voice to read in a mid-20th century Brooklyn accent: Anyway, back in June I bought a few baseball tickets for my buddy’s birthday. An Orioles-Yankees game down in Baltimore — a real classic at the Yard. But then it rains. The game gets postponed to August. Whaddya gonna do? Anyway, a couple weeks ago I head back down to Baltimore for the second game of a double-header, which is how the MLB fits makeup games. (Boy I’ll tell ya, back in my mind’s voice’s day, when Ebbets Field was still around, and you could get a knish for a nickel, they played a double-header every Sunday. I also walked 198,765,090 miles to get milk in a blizzard!) Anyway, it’s a real schlep down from New York, where I live, so I’m happy when I arrive and get to chavruta with my pals about this and that before packing in a cab and heading to the Yard. While we’re all in line at the stadium gate, I make a joke. “Wouldn’t it be funny if these tickets didn’t work?” “Ha-ha,” is the generally unenthusiastic response. Anyway, it’s our turn with the ticket lady, who’s having trouble scanning the damn things. Finally she looks at the tickets a little closer and she says, “These were for the day game.”

L’Chaim!

Brian & Katie Celebrate Rosh Hashanah by thinking about making latkes. After hours of grueling deliberation, I submitted my dilemma into God’s inbox, and His voice (or my mind’s 20th-century Brooklyn accent, which is indecipherable from my mind’s interpretation of God’s voice) descended upon me in stentorian tones: “CHECK YOUR EMAIL.” So I did, and here’s what I saw:

therealgod@gmail.com
to me

Dear Brian,

After considering your offering, unfortunately it is not a good fit with Our Lord’s wishes. Although we will not be accepting your latkes on this holy evening, please understand that your recipe was read carefully by Moses and his nomads. Our Lord’s reasons for not accepting particular offerings are varied and often have more to do with the severity of recent blights and upcoming apocalypses than with the quality of offerings we receive. Thank you again for the opportunity to consider your offering, and Our Lord regrets any delay in His response to you.

Sincerely,

Adonai
∞ Drive
Cloud 9, The Firmament

P.S. Our Lord knows what you did to get mad FIFA skillz. Make up for it on Yom Kippur or else.

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(And just in case you didn’t believe me about the bargain.)