January 2019: Edits From Hell

YOU HAVE NEVER KNOWN SUCH SORROW

Do you feel like something is missing? As if an inexplicable void, a terrible nothingness, has taken root where formerly resided the pith of your pithy spirit? Roughly 4-6 of you might have been wondering, over the past month or so, where my explosive blog has gone. Fear not, my feary friends. I’m still here.

BRIAN DOES DEVELOPMENTAL NOVEL EDITS

January: the coldest month of the year (but not the snowiest!). What better time to hole up and temporarily die? A friend of mine, Jared Hauser, once told me that his brother sees winter as a time to crumple up your drafts and toss them into the fire, all the while pounding rot-gut rye with sad jazz on heavy rotation.

With my novel due out in September, I was tasked with a final round of developmental edits — i.e. one last big-picture revision before the dreaded line edit. Thus there was no time to crumple and set ablaze. That being said, here are the January stats:

Average hours of sleep per night: ~5
Average number of hours spent editing per night: ~5
Words edited: ~120,000
Friends lost: All of them? Hello?
Net brain cell gain/loss: a few million/billion give or take
Quantitative improvement of the novel: ~15%
Number of memories killed in the cradle: ~1,000
Number of spliffs smoked: 0 — when there’s no time to roll, just pack a bowl!